4 Truths for why you or they have gone off sex

What is sex in a long term relationship supposed to look like? How often are most people doing it?

Chances are if you are asking this question for either you or your partner, you’re probably encountering some issues in the bedroom department.

A universal truth is that most sex-education in the UK comes from the very limited sex-ed classes in school, behind the bike-shed conversations or from porn.

The first option of sexual education classes in school is not led from a standpoint of how to have great sex, but rather the mechanics of pregnancy.

Then option 2 and 3 of peer conversations and porn, feed into each other of setting unrealistic expectations around intimacy and sex. You may be reading this article as you found it on Google, after searching for advice because the frequency of the sex in your relationship has decreased, it just feels boring or you are on auto-pilot and doing it because of the fun associated.

Let’s talk about the 4 truths of going off sex in relationships

Physical reasons why people don’t feel like having sex

Your interest in sex can come and go, that is very common. Even before the pandemic and the associated stress, there may be a physical reason why you just don’t feel like sex any more. Reasons might include:

• Stress levels from work, homeschooling, financial worries.
• Medication side effects.
• Smoking.
• Lack of sleep.
• Hormonal Fluctuations.
• Mental Health challenges.
• Body image and self-worth issues.
• Life changes such as marriage, bereavement, new baby.
• Menopause.
• Pregnancy.

Desire Discrepancy is a joint problem

When clients come to me to talk about a discrepancy in the frequency or the type of sexual activity taking place, the blame is often associated with one party. There has been much research that has shown how sexual satisfaction contributes to relationship satisfaction, and even that good sexual experiences can offset negativity in relationships.

All that being said, the problem needs to be addressed as a joint one between the couple.

Labelling one person in the relationship who needs “fixing” can exacerbate the problem. What is important is for you both to communicate about what you are seeking in your sexual relationship, any discrepancies and making sure both parties’ needs are being considered.

The benefits of having sex when not in the mood

The media stereotypes around sexual relationships have left a misconception that we should always be in the mood for having sex. We call this spontaneous desire, where you find yourself in the mood for sex without any stimulation or arousal taking place.

There is also another type of desire called responsive desire, whereby one partner only feels like having sex once they have been physically aroused.

So what are the implications? If you are recognising that you fall into the responsive desire category, whilst you don’t feel like having sex randomly, being open to simply explore intimacy with your partner, even just a kiss can then lead to the desire to have sex.

Sex connected to larger relationship challenges

Research done in the USA highlighted the bidirectionality between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction.

It seems pretty obvious but if you or your partner aren’t getting along, then it’s hard to have a very happy and healthy sex life. This is where couples mentoring and relationship counselling can come in, to address any potential underlying relationship problems that are simmering.

To figure out what is going on, you can work with a relationship counsellor such as me or if you are working on your own, start by opening up simple conversations around sex.

Discuss without judgement or criticism styles of sexual play, frequency and desire. Both taking your turn to be the listener and then the speaker.

Sexual desire doesn’t have to decrease in long-term relationships. You and your partner can reconnect and create any type of sex life that you both consensually desire to.

Love

Laura

PS>> Whenever you are ready if you’d like to look at ways we can work together to strengthen your sex life and your relationship, come and join me in your assessment phase. 

In a series of 4 sessions including conjoint and individual sessions plus diagnostic assessments, we will assess those different areas of your relationship to work on, before agreeing on the focus of your couples mentoring and program. Couples assessment process is £2800